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Kenos Inbox
voice / text / communion
D's mind is a cacophony of things.
The landscape is shadow and darkness, and it is chilly and reserved where D sits in it; he feels like a simple young man. Quiet, soft, human. But behind the stoicism is a warm, sensual, and elegant sliver of something primordial and powerful. Embracing it is hypnotic, arousing, yet also a little horrifying.
Amidst all of this is something else, too: a craggled and old presence which can be heard on occasion cackling or chattering separately, the crusty voice belonging neither to D or the peculiar entity in the space.
The landscape is shadow and darkness, and it is chilly and reserved where D sits in it; he feels like a simple young man. Quiet, soft, human. But behind the stoicism is a warm, sensual, and elegant sliver of something primordial and powerful. Embracing it is hypnotic, arousing, yet also a little horrifying.
Amidst all of this is something else, too: a craggled and old presence which can be heard on occasion cackling or chattering separately, the crusty voice belonging neither to D or the peculiar entity in the space.
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The Harbinger effigy seemed to be in want of something. I also did not act like myself on most occasions.
[Don't ask what he had been doing though, it's very embarrassing. He's looking in the other direction, not acknowledging it. To distract from Eustace having a chance (right now) to ask about it, he says very softly:]
Kim Dokja had been very worried about you, you know.
[Blabbing the feelings of each of them to the other, it's fine.]
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It's fine though, D can blab about Dokja's embarrassing feelings because god knows Dokja is never going to do it himself. It should be very touching that Dokja was so worried but all Eustace can muster up is a tired sigh, along with a brief closure of his eyelids. ]
He worries too much.
[ SAYS EUSTACE, THE HYPOCRITE WHO ALSO WORRIES TOO MUCH!! Hate it here.
But the difference is that Eustace can at least hold it together while he's worried, unlike Dokja the glass table who falls apart at the first sign of panic. It's unhealthy and they need to do something about it. ]
Did you wait with him at all at the Tree?
[ Not that he thinks D has any obligation to hang around for him, but considering Dokja's collapsed state of mind, it would have been nice to have someone there with him for even a little bit. ]
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[NO!!!!!!!!!! :CRYINGKIRBY: DON'T LOOK AT THEM!!!!
D is aware Dokja and Eustace worry too much, but he also does not think worrying about people you care for is a bad thing. It means they care, that they can love. And being compassionate means more to D than anything else.
Wondering if Eustace will stop being stubborn if he does, D decides to venture over to sit on the edge of the bed. He will see... He sits in a kind of ridiculous way, sort of formal, back straight and perched right on the end with the only remaining hand resting on his thigh.]
For a while a few times. [:man_standing: by Dokja.] I assumed he wasn't taking care of himself, so I brought him food.
[He's not sure if Dokja bothered eating it, but the least he could do is get it there.]
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It should be comforting to know that Dokja cares about him enough that it's become visibly apparent to those around him, but the knowledge only makes his heart hurt more. Some days he wonders if it would be better if Dokja cared less. Maybe then he wouldn't have a breakdown every time something happened, and he'd remember to eat and drink instead of shutting himself away from the world.
His recovery from his rebirth means he has less energy to funnel into moderating his emotions, and there's a clear look of unhappiness on his face. ]
Thanks. For sticking with him.
[ He closes his eyes again, one hand lifting to rub at his nose. ]
I wish he could see how important he is to other people, so that he could take better care of himself.
[ This is a Dokja gossip thread now, I guess. ]
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I'm not sure people like Kim Dokja will ever think of themselves before those who mean a lot to them. Not that I think you're wrong.
[Dokja should look after himself so it won't become "those left behind are happy and free" rather than "those I'm with are happy and free."]
But it's why those people are there. To care for him when he forgets to care for himself. I know you already understand that.
[Dokja gossip.]
I'm glad you've returned.
[His tone doesn't betray his mood, but the words are given in his silly earnest way.]
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He won't be so easily distracted!! ]
And what happens when we're not here? You saw what he was like after the Oracle. [ When he died. ] We can't always be there to take care of him.
[ That's just the way life goes. He's already disappeared once, and then died after that. He's not fool enough to think that he's filled some sort of quota rendering him immune to dissipating or disappearing yet again, and he's not fool enough to believe that Gray and D will forever be around even if he isn't. ]
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I don't know. I don't have an answer for a situation like that. Chances are, there will always be at least one person Dokja cares about left.
And if there isn't, I can't say with certainty he will keep living. Existence is not something I can force onto him.
[A bitter pill to swallow. He's sure Eustace wants him to say some well-meaning and reassuring thing. But Dokja is not the most level-headed person.]
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Once again, D is right. Dokja, for all his physical strength, has the mental fortitude of a wet noodle. If his original disappearance from Kenos hadn't proved that then his recent death certainly had. It's a sobering thought - depressing too - and he hasn't been able to come up with any good solution for it despite how long he's spent pondering the problem.
All he can do is work with what he has in the present. ]
And will you stay by him, in the event everyone else leaves?
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But this is a little mean in the cold logic of it, and he doesn't think Eustace would appreciate it. So he says nothing about it.]
I don't mind doing that, though my company won't be much of a comfort.
[D has no real true ties to the Frontier, not ones he values himself. Not except for finding the Sacred Ancestor and having questions answered, putting a stop to the perfect being creation.
So he thinks again about the desperation of being a Zenith for a Shard. He wouldn't have one important to him, and he wonders if the two of them could hold onto Gray and Eustace together if it were just the two of them left.]
What will you do now with the time you have with him?
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D might think of his company as little help, but Eustace feels differently. He's watched people come and go, and watched a little bit of the light fade from Dokja's eyes each time. There may be few people now Dokja considers as friends, but each of them is precious in their own way. ]
He likes you. More than he likes most people. [ Dokja may not be a stoic, but he doesn't trust easily either. ] That's enough.
[ Enough to keep Dokja from spiraling if one of them goes missing for good? Maybe not, but it's better than nothing.
As for that other question....damb. It's not so much a complicated question to answer so much as it is a deeply personal one, and he falls silent for a good handful of seconds, lips thinning as he ponders over how best to answer. In the end he shrugs, expression frank. There's only one answer to that question, as there always has and always will be. ]
Do what makes him happy.
[ Even if it's at the cost of his own well-being and comfort. He's long since learned to discard his own feelings, the constant build-up of blood on his hands enough to deter him from seeking any personal happiness or fulfillment. If it makes Dokja happy, then that's all that matters. ]
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It's strange to slowly figure out over time that Dokja is an extremely furtive man. But D supposes those sorts of people have the most to hide, especially when it's their true feelings.
He wishes people wouldn't like him, though. Eternal life is easier that way? No connections means no repeated suffering.
A hum of acknowledgement comes out of him. He watches Eustace from where he's sitting. It's the best answer he could get. D is soft that way.]
Including being happy yourself? Since it's what seems to make him the happiest.
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Suck it up D and accept that you have friends now.
But also? It would be nice if D could stop asking hard questions. There's another twist to Eustace's lips as he faces the question head on, though there's less of a pause before he answers this time. ]
Seeing him happy makes me happy.
[ Not strictly true, but it's the closest he'll allow himself to being happy. ]
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D understands the idiocy conundrum here of Eustace and Dokja wanting the other to be happy, but at the expense of their own happiness despite the happiness being contingent on the latter.]
You are both going to have to be happy together.
[Stupids.......]
I told him, by the way. About being a dhampir. Before the Oracle. Did he argue with you?
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The question comes as a surprise though, his slowly drooping posture stiffening back up as he frowns. ]
Argue?
[ No...but now that he thinks about it, Dokja had been acting weird that last week before the Oracle, shooting him glares when he thought he could get away with it and remaining surprisingly quiet. There'd obviously been something going on, but with all the build-up and preparation needed for the Oracle there hadn't been time to ask.
And then he'd died! ]
No, but he was acting strange. Did he say he was angry with me?
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I assumed he would be foolish.
[Dokja seems to always be pretty foolish about a lot of things.]
Being a dhampir didn't bother him as much as it should, and yet your decision to wait until I spoke to him seems to have made him upset.
I told him not to argue with you because your intentions were to let me do it.
[He sounds a bit disappointed Dokja is choosing to be petty from... insecurity? He doesn't know.]
I'm sorry. It would have been better if you simply had told him.
[D would have accepted the brunt of the breach of trust.]
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You don't need to apologize. [ ONCE AGAIN D DID NOTHING WRONG!! ] If he was upset about it, he should have confronted me.
[ Instead of acting like a CHILD. But alas, things are never so easy in the Dokja('s ankles) household. He's not really looking forward to having this conversation, especially not when he's still recovering, but better sooner than later. ]
I'll talk to him about it. [ So they can argue. ]
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But there is little he can do now, as it is, and there isn't any point in getting involved in any way with this part of it. Godspeed to Dad...]
You should be resting.
[He will just day it!!!!! He's blunt like Dad, too.]
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But okay, okay, FINE, he will go rest now, Eustace may be stupid but every now and then he can take a hint. It helps that he's started to feel tired again, all this Deep Discussion exhausting him further. ]
You should take it easy for awhile as well.'
[ With a pointed look at the missing arm space.
But apparently they are going to end this conversation with any talk of happier things, sorry to Yuul. Don't mind Eustace as he turns around to leave without so much as saying goodbye....it's fine, D is probably used to this. ]